Tuesday, December 11, 2012

10 Reasons Mulan is Way Better Than You

Ah yes. Fa Mulan (Present!). The charming 1998 animated Disney classic based on the ancient Chinese folktale of a young woman who impersonates a male soldier, joins the Imperial Army, and ends up saving an entire country from the hands of really really scary Mongolians.

I feel a moral responsibility to create this list for you because I think we all need some motivation as we get closer to the holidays, especially for those of you--unlike myself--slaving away in finals or at work. What more effective way to boost confidence than bashing it into the ground by showing that you're inferior to a cartoon? I think none. So "let's get down to business":

1. Mulan can remove all her make-up with a single swipe of a silk sleeve. And we’re not talking a light coat of BB cream (so in right now), bronzer, and mascara you got in a free-gift-with-purchase at ULTA. Oh no, we’re talking about her entire face covered in white paint, bright red lips, and impeccably executed liquid eyeliner and eyebrows that both seem to be drawn on with real calligraphy ink. Please note that her sleeve also appears to be sparkling clean after this feat. What. A. Betch.
2. Mulan took down an 800-pound half man, half falcon-leopard-Great White shark sociopathic Mongol vampire warrior made of pure Hun muscle who kills small children… WITH A FAN. WEARING A DRESS. Ladies, we need to step our damn game up. I have a heart attack for ten minutes trying to kill a cockroach with a cowboy boot. (In my defense, I recommend rewatching Honey, We Shrunk Ourselves.)
3. Mulan spent an incredibly extensive amount of time listening to Eddie Murphy’s voice without killing herself.
4. Mulan fell off a cliff upside down in the middle of an avalanche while sitting astride a horse with an unconscious fully-grown (and might I say, also made a pure muscle) man lying across her lap and still managed to survive via rope. Note that she didn’t scream or panic during this entire ordeal once. She makes me sick.
5. 3 minutes and 19 seconds of solid, objective proof Mulan is most certainly better than you. (And I know you were all hoping I’d include this because yes, you have all been thinking about YouTubing it since you started reading this post.)
You're welcome.

6. Mulan cut off nearly all of her beyond gorgeous hair with a sword and it still looked beautiful. Like, not a single split end. It must be that genetic Asian wizardry. (P.S. DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.)
7. Mulan disguised herself as a man and joined the Imperial Chinese military during one of the most brutal war times in the history of mankind to save her ailing father from irrefutable death. Remember that the next time to forget to text back your dad.
8. Mulan had the Chinese Emperor and the entire population of the Imperial City (so…8 trillion people?) bow. at. her. feet. Even Hitler’s all like, “That must be neat.”
9. Mulan won this guy. S my fake D, Matchmaker. 
...Actually, let’s discuss this for a hot sec. Everyone seems to think that because he ended up falling for Mulan, he must have been a little gay for Ping (Ping. lolz.) and I think that's laughable. a) So what? I assure you it wouldn't sway my almost 15 year crush on the guy. Look at him. b) I can imagine that, upon discovering that this dude you got to know and respect was actually a woman, it would be pretty difficult to continue reflecting on all those times around him and not see him as a her. So I’d take a gander that memories of Ping (lolz.) swiftly turned into memories of this awesome, super badass woman who is also real purty. He's only human, y'all. c) He's also an animated character, but let's not go into technicalities. Just stare.
And also, if we’re being honest with ourselves, the initial She’s-A-Laaady revelation was probably a huge shock, but it’s not like any of those guys could reeeeally be all that surprised that Ping (lolz) was a woman. Really.
10. Mulan is a TEENAGER. A TEENAGER. What was I doing at sixteen? Getting my driver’s license and trying not to bomb Algebra or Regulars Chemistry. Yeah, I know I'm only in my early twenties, but what do I have to show for it? I guess I have two legitimate diplomas, but I think it’s safe to say the sword of Shan-Yu, the Emperor’s super special medallion, the affections of a military leader, living legend cred, and the admiration of an entire country really trumps my degree in Advertising.  
In conclusion, as you continue on with your day and week and it feels like the weight of the world is on your shoulders, I want you to think to yourself, "What Would Mulan Do?" (please see below.)

***Do not do any of the things Mulan ACTUALLY does. Her actions were extremely stupid and all those rewards for her stupidity I mentioned above would never ever happen to you. You would probably die. But carry on, soldiers!

p.s. Eddie Murphy, I really do love your work. Respect, sir.

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