Monday, December 3, 2012

Caroline’s Christmas Wish List of 22 Really Necessary Things That Can’t Be Bought On Cyber Monday.

When I was thirteen, I made the ultimate Christmas list for my parents. It was so long, even Leo Tolstoy would probably take one look at it and tell me to Спокойствие ваш Врановые. (That means “Calm yo tits” in Russian.). It was so thorough it included photo references and online Amazon links with corresponding serial numbers. But back then, there were a lot of things I just really, really needed. A Chi straighter, for one (duh.), uh, the Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl 2-Disc Special Edition DVD (obvs.), a new Kaboodle, and this brand new contraption called the iPod (that’s right, young grasshoppers.) As you can see, the vitals.

Now I’ve realized that the older I get, I can't even begin making a list like that. I’m not sure why, but I just can’t ask for anything anymore. Last year, I asked for an iron.

That being said, there are certainly things I desperately want... probably now more than ever in my life. But unfortunately, absolutely NONE of those things can be found via Amazon link—as much as I wish. So for your benefit, I’ve compiled a list—in no particular order-- of all the things I would like for Christmas this year that can’t be bought in a store. Perhaps we share many wishes and desires in common.


1. To run into an old classmate from high school—or even better, a mother of an old classmate from high school--and have a fantastically awesome exciting answer when they ask me what I’m doing. (see #2)
2. Full-time employment. With a livable salary. Doing something that matters to me. That I’m good at. That I genuinely enjoy. With fun co-workers. That allows me to move out of my old bedroom at my parents’ house. (ATTN: this may be listed in your magic book under “a @$*%&%# miracle.” I’d start around F-Fu.)
3. To be Kelly Ripa.
4. For Lindsay Lohan to--nevermind, I just really do not care.
5. A real life Mark-Paul Gosselaar circa 1994. That I can also fold up into my purse.
6. A remake of the Grinch starring Taylor Momsen as herself as the Grinch.
7. That automatic hair-styling machine Jane Jetson used every morning.
8. To have brunch and drink mimosas with Ariel and Belle and bitch-talk about Jasmine.
9. For Jennifer Lawrence to text me (in pure Emoji) asking if I want to hang out and eat vodka-soaked gummy bears and watch Say Yes to The Dress: Atlanta and belt the soundtrack to Wicked.
10. To sit in on the casting/screen test sessions of Fifty Shades of Grey.
11. Fat-free, sugar-free, calorie-free Nutella that won’t taste like toes.
12. To get an invite to the future wedding of Ben Affleck’s son and Matt Damon’s daughter.
13. A magical pill that stalls the aging process of a baby corgi.
14. For someone to slap a person crossing their eyes on the back and it actually become permanent.
15. A trust fund?
16. An Even Stevens Reunion Special.
17. Mickey Rourke to have his old face back. :(
18. To travel back in time to the Victorian Era with a package of Tampax, Midol, a month’s worth of Yaz, a 3D television, and a copy of Magic Mike on Blu-Ray. Just to see what happens.
19. For to be fun for more than 3 minutes.
20. That one really great result I got playing MASH in fifth grade to come true.
21. For chocolate to be officially recognized as medication.
22. For Kate and Wills to do their damn job and make a bab  (Oh, it's been a good day.)

See Santa? I think that's a fair and realistic list for you, sir. And quite frankly, some of this stuff is probably going to be really important for the future of humanity so...If I were you, I'd get cracking. Thanks, Big Guy. I own you one.


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