Today I’m here to address an important issue. Furbies. They’re back. I’ve seen them in ads, I’ve seen them in stores, and now, I’ve seen enough. Let’s talk about how terrifying these little monsters are:
The first time Furby was introduced in 1998, I was eight years old. According to Wikipedia, I should have been one of the tantrum-throwing children who helped sell these out the first time. You know where I was instead? Hiding. Furby scared the shit out of me. Once as a child, I went to stay the night with a friend. I was at her house for a while and then I heard it: she had a Furby, and without any provocation, it just started talking and wiggling and whatnot. You know what happened next? I faked sick and called my dad to come get me. You know what else? I don’t remember that friend’s name because we didn’t hang out after that. So, yeah.
Flash forward to 2012: I was just a happy, 22-year-old adult scrolling through Facebook and BAM! I saw it: an ad for Furby. I marked that ad as “offensive” faster than you can say “killer robot.” That’s when I realized: I’m still cripplingly afraid of Furby. I can’t even look at them. And the new ones are so much more advanced than their 1998 counterpart; I read that they don’t even have an off-switch. You know what else doesn’t have an off-switch? A robot that’s PROGRAMMED TO MURDER YOU. And their tagline: "A mind of its own"...did NO ONE see I, Robot?? Am I going to have to be the Will Smith of this situation?
|Furby, not opposed to homicide.|
No one should buy these. They’re terrifying and demonic and the world would be a happier place if all the Furbies died in a fire. Plus, these things are SIXTY FIVE DOLLARS. Do you know how many (much happier) things you can buy with $65? You could get 43 sides of mashed potatoes and gravy at KFC. Think about that. Don’t buy a Furby, don’t let your friends buy a Furby, and if you see a stranger at the store buying a Furby, don’t let that happen either. Will Smith and I appreciate your cooperation in keeping the world a safer place.