Monday, December 17, 2012

GUEST POST: Tom, Rita, and Me: an Extremely Specific Life Fantasy

I have a dream. Not a beautiful, meaningful, Martin Luther King kind of dream. My dream is to be the next-door neighbor of Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson.
Tom and Rita, basically the greatest thing to ever happen to anyone, ever.
Someday, when I have mysteriously made a lot of money despite not having any apparent talents (other than being able to name all of the Duggar children), I will buy the house next to Tom and Rita. We will become fast friends, and they will view me as the child they never had (since their actual children are lame, probably).
Tom and I orchestrate all sorts of pranks to pull on Rita, the kids, and our dumb boring neighbors, Gwyneth Paltrow and the Coldplay guy. Gwyneth is always judging Tom and me for our unhealthy eating habits. Like, we get it, Gwyn, YOU’RE A VEGAN. GO DRINK SOME KALE JUICE. Rita is a little embarrassed at our antics, and scolds us in front of Gwyneth to save face. Sometimes Tom and I sell stories to the tabloids about Gwyn. We use the money to buy costumes and supplies for elaborate pranks.
Tom (Hanks) and me, engaged in an elaborate prank.
Tom lets me go with him to his talk show appearances sometimes. I hang out in the green room. This is how I become great friends with Conan O’Brien. He joins our prank gang.
Conan, Tom, and me…prank masters.
Tom grills out a lot, and invite me over to eat on the patio. Rita makes weird teas for us to drink and tries to get us to eat soy burgers. We secretly order pizza after, obviously. Sometimes Collin comes over and talks too much about baseball and records. We roll our eyes goodheartedly.  Rita and I bond over my lifelong love for her movie “Now & Then,” which is massively underappreciated pure cinematic gold.
At Christmas, Tom and I always push for a white elephant party. I bring the Nicolas Cage collection DVD set, and Tom brings some kind of humorous toilet paper. Despite her promises to participate in the white elephant gifting, Rita brings Tom some nice cuff links and me a beautiful scarf she got the last time she was in India. Classic Rita.

Tom and Rita, if you’re reading this (BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY YOU WILL), no restraining order is necessary. I promise. I LOVED YOU IN NOW & THEN, RITA.

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