Tuesday, December 18, 2012

The Ten Commandments According to JUMANJI


I am the JUMANJI thy Game….

Thou shalt have no other games. Particularly because Jumanji never ends until one of thou wins. 
Or until Kirsten Dunst loses all her baby teeth.

Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven images or likenesses of Jumanji. BE SERIOUS, MILTON BRADLEY. 
But I totes owned this. I have sinned.

Thou shalt not take the Jumanji’s name in vain or thou shalt be sent into the jungle for an undisclosed amount of time and emerge in the form of Robin Williams as Tom Hanks in Cast Away. Regardless of thy gender. 

Thou shalt remember the day Jumanji made. Which is whatever day thou art stupid enough to start playing a mysterious, cryptic wooden board game you find in the water because thou hear unexplained drumbeats. i.e. Every single Dangerous-Board-Game red flag imaginable. 
Thou shalt not be them.

Thou shalt honor thy father or he will grow a ridiculous mustache, dress like a turn-of-the-century Englishman poaching gorillas or Tarzan, and become brain washed to hunt thee.

Thou shalt not hide in a car directly in the path of a stampede of enormous wild animals. Learn from thy brothers and sisters: the children in Jurassic Park. Shit does not work for thee.

Thou shalt not commit adultery. Consequences of such acts result as shown:
Once a cheater, thou art always a cheater.

Thou shalt not steal unless thou art trying to recover Jumanji from an extremely obnoxious monkey, a heavily armed mustached man, or an absurdly giant pelican. Especially the latter because that bird SUCKS.
Resident Jumanji asshole.

Thou shalt not lie to David Allen Grier. Ain’t nobody got time for that. 

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s house. There’s probably a crocodile, a lion, a pack of monkeys, a killer plant, a river of water, floors made of quicksand, and spiders the size of industrial microwaves waiting for thee inside. 
Check thou self before thou wreck thou self.


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