Tuesday, January 22, 2013

How To Win the Affection of Women According to Aladdin.

In light of recent events, I was fortunate to spend some more quality time this weekend with one of the most special people in my life. You see, we go way back… long before I even remember frankly, which is weird, but all the more romantic. I won’t bore you with our passionate history or memories, but I will be forever grateful for all the things he has taught millions all over the world for the past 20 years; important lessons that pertain to every aspect of our lives. As a loyal friend and companion to him, I will share these expert tips with you now. It’s the least I can do to honor him and his glory. And by glory, I mean his hair. Gentlemen, take notes.

How To Win The Affection of Women According to Aladdin

1.  Be born with an excellent singing voice. Please note: some girls find being serenaded exceedingly uncomfortable, so it’s very important you make sure she was also born with an exceptional voice so she can seamlessly join in mid-verse of that song you just made up on your own. (See #2.) 

2. Make sure the song you made up on your own has an instantly memorable melody so that she can successfully hum it to herself whilst brushing her hair at least twenty minutes after you leave her balcony. If you need help in this area, tweet @AlanMenken or call him at 1-800-INEEDASONG. 


3. It's okay to have a crap hole apartment as long as you have a panoramic view of an Arabian Palace. Girls love views. 

This works, for example.
4.  Learn to roll an apple down your shoulder and into the palm of her hand. Sure, you’ll look like an asshole, but conquering any feat that is seemingly physically impossible makes you a winning asshole. 

5. Maintain a set of straight, white teeth. Fact. This is every woman’s Number. One. Turn. On. If an Arabian street rat who lives in a time in world history when personal hygiene and orthodontics were non-existent can keep his smile as glowing and perfect as a White Strip commercial, so can you. No excuses. 

6. Save small children from being whipped. If you do so by having the whip wrap around your arm, she’ll marry you. 

7. Only introduce her to your father if, and only if, he's a bonafide hottie. We are a judgmental gender. We need to know you’ll look damn good at 40.
I mean, really.


8.  Gain her trust. Grab her hand and have her jump thirty feet out of a window. If you successfully land in a pile of quinoa while trying to escape armed guards, trust gained. 

9. Be born with jet black hair made of exquisite Arabian silk that does this when you run your fingers through it:




Gawd.

10. Fight a giant cobra. It’s not that difficult. 

11. Come up with an elaborate ruse right as she nearly has her hand sliced off. Any opportunity to save her life is a good opportunity. After all, it is her LIFE. 

12. Own a pet monkey. Nothing woos a woman more than rabies. Especially if he kind of speaks and commits crimes. 

13. Win the affections of her own pets. They are excellent judges of character. If said pet is typically a wild jungle predator, remain calm. It can smell fear. 

14. By all means, show up unexpectedly on her balcony at night uninvited. Girls love spontaneity. 

15.  Lie to her a lot. As long as it’s well intentioned, our fathers will change ancient laws for you. I choose you, Aladdin. (See #16) 

16. Change your name and pretend to be somebody else. Especially if that somebody is a prince. Don’t be alarmed if we act unimpressed. Acting unimpressed is what we do. We are very good at it. 

17. Arrive at her house for the first date via parade. If this parade does not involve a menagerie, a song and dance number (remember #1 and #2), and you perched on an elephant and/or magic carpet, you’re half-assing it. (SEE #18.) 

18. **RIDICULOUSLY IMPORTANT. OWN A MAGIC CARPET. This is self-explanatory. If you can’t obtain one, you will not see a second date. Particularly since the second date specifically requires one. HashtagDealBreaker. 

19.  **ABSURDLY IMPORTANT. HAVE A GENIE. About 85% of the above is not remotely possible without a genie. If your genie cannot do impeccable celebrity impressions/plan our wedding, HashtagDealBreaker. 

20.  Never, under any circumstances, ever request that she call you AL. No. 

21.  Just beee yourself. Only after you have successfully accomplished #1 through #20.

Results may vary. 

You're welcome, 

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