Monday, February 18, 2013


I was a strange kid, y'all.
LOLZ at the Nintendo NES and Nic in the background

- I was a f***ing adorable child. However, if someone told me I was cute, I'd hiss at them. Yes, hiss. I wanted to be cool, not cute.

- I went through a phase where I made my dad call me Dave and I called him José. At the doctor's office one day, two old ladies thought I was a cool little nugget and asked me my name. My response? 

"My name's Dave, my dad's name is José, and he drinks whiskey."

I'm sure my mom almost died. Sorry, Rita Mischelle.

- Some people get confused about my family. I have brother, Nic, who is three years younger than me. I also grew up with my two older cousins, Tristan (eight years older) and Shelby (six years older). I pretty much consider them my brothers.
Yes, I had a mullet.

- I would always want to hang out with them in their room, but they never let me. They would hold the door shut until I would push all my weight against it, then they would let go and I would fall on my face. One day, I decided to fight back. I kicked Shelby in the balls and he fell to the floor. VICTORY. Then Nanny spanked my ass raw and told me to never ever, ever do that to a boy. 

- No more nut kicks, so I started spitting on them. To this day, if someone jokingly pins me down, my reflex is to spit in their face. 

- When they did let me in their room, I would watch them play Mortal Kombat. "TRISTAN! RIP OUT HIS THROAT! TURN HIM INTO A BABY!"


- When Nic came along, I had more shit to deal with. Like dodging his BBs and almost getting shot with an arrow (yes, as in bow and arrow). 

- We did get along sometimes, like when we would ride the go-cart around:

 And later the lawnmower, when the go-cart broke down:

- Because I wanted so badly to be the pink Power Ranger, I started taking Tae Kwon Do. I was a black belt by the time I was eight. However, I did not really use my roundhouse kicking skills to beat up Tristan, Shelby, or Nic because my instructor told me it was only for emergencies, you know, when they would hold me down and give me an Indian Rope Burn or something.

- Around the same time as the black belt, I took up baton twirling for about a week. I had a sweet routine to La Grange by ZZ Top and decided to try out for the Ann Whitney Elementary School talent show. What eight-year-old has a baton twirling routine to a song about The Chicken Ranch whorehouse? My mom wouldn't let me use La Grange for the tryout, so I winged a routine to Ray of Light by Madonna. Yeah, I didn't make it.

- I had a pretty eclectic taste in music growing up. I asked Santa Claus for Pink Floyd's The Wall when I was nine. I always jammed to Metallica and I really liked the song, Sex and Candy by Marcy Playground, when it was on the radio all the time (back when I thought the s-word meant naked kissing).

- I also really liked The Offspring. My mom wouldn't buy me the Americana album because it had one of these on it:

When Nanny asked me what I wanted for Valentine's Day 1999, I told her I wanted The Offspring Americana CD. "It has a cartoon of a little boy swinging with a bug on the front and on the back the bug ate him." That CD is currently in the console of my car. Thanks, Nanny.

- And then there's the time I gave up Barbies completely for Batman action figures.

-And then there's the time we went to Disneyworld, when Shelby had frosted highlights, Tristan was a Kandi Kid, I slicked my ponytail back with gel and wore puka shell necklaces, and Nic was a little asshole.

It's a lot easier these days. I don't get threatened with dangerous weapons by Nic. Tristan and Shelby always let me hang out and drink a beer or six with them. We're pretty damn close. So close, the four of us plan on getting matching tattoos in the near future.

Me and Nic, hanging out in Turks and Caicos

Me and Tristan, after a few rounds of King's Cup
Me and Shelby, hanging out at the ol' Perry Country Club
Shelby, LITTLE CHLOE (Tristan and Shelby's half sister), my mama, me, Tristan, and Nic, Christmas Eve 2012

Huzzah for memories!

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