Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Caroline's Top Candidates for Pope.

When news broke Monday that Pope Benedict was stepping down from his ol' 9-to-5, I began to think a lot about, well, being the Pope.

 As a Methodist woman who knows virtually nothing about the Catholic Church unless I learned it from The Sound of Music, I started doing some research and I learned something very important during all this big breaking papal news that I never knew before:

The only actual requirements for being elected Pope are that you must be a male and a baptized Catholic.

That's it. It takes more to get elected class president of a 3a high school.

Now, they (not sure who "they" are, but there's definitely a "they.") have never elected anyone but a very old, very devoted Cardinal for ages. But with such few technical requirements, I have better ideas. The following list are all men who could actually be Pope and it would be awesome.

Liam Neeson. Enough said.
May Peace Be With You. And Also With You. If not, I have a very specific set of skills. I will find you and I will be quite violent.


Arnold Schwarzenegger. He has experience governing a large body of people and knows how to kill aliens and cyborgs! We're saved! (P.S. Let's ignore the fact that he is a cyborg himself, but I have yet to see that isn't allowed in the papal pre-requisites, so...)

^There's like eight Popes in there.

Mark Wahlberg.  Papal attire would be deemed optional.

Jon Voight. Sure, he's played Pope John Paul (so he's knowledgeable) in a miniseries, but I'd like to see him as Pope only if he remains in character as Mr. Sir from Holes.
Definitely POPE.

Tom Cruise. Hey, the guy once intended to be a Catholic priest. And no one can say he's not devoted to "religion."
If you're imagining his laugh right now, so am I.

Conan O'Brien. A.K.A. the greatest Pope-Elect. Ever.

Stephen Colbert. Born to be Pope.
He's ready.

Celine Dion's son, Rene Charles. Just because Celine can't be Pope (which is an abomination) doesn't mean we can't substitute for offspring. Besides, he knows what it's like to be from a Royal Family and perhaps he too can sing like a heavenly angel. Which would be fitting.
^The first pope with braces.

Niall Horan. Oh hell, why not?
^The first pope with a retainer.

Good luck, Pope Benedict! Since you probably have a great deal of say in the matter, please take my suggestions into account.

Sincerely, a mere Methodist,
^Can never be pope. Like ever.

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