Monday, April 1, 2013

Facebook, Shmacebook

I have 1,191 Facebook friends. Facebook friends? The majority are Facebook we went to high school together and you weren't very nice to mes, Facebook I have no idea who you are, but you added me because my little brother was the high school quarterbacks, Facebook I drunkenly met you at a frat party pregame my freshman years, and Facebook you're friends with my parents and I feel like an asshole denying your friend requests.

There are so many times when I think about deleting my Facebook. Why? I'll tell you why.

Injury pictures. Cut that out. I don't like seeing hubby's work injury before stitches and after stitches. I don't like seeing the bone sticking out of little Johnny's arm when he fell down during his Little Dribblers basketball game. Y'all. I had to leave the room when my high school anatomy class watched a surgery because I thought I was going to pass out. Basically, what I'm saying is that I want to throw up all over myself when injury pics show up in my news feed.

Misspelled/stupid check-ins. Sometimes when I'm hanging out on the Chimy's patio, drinking a margarita or three with friends, I want to check-in. However, I die a little inside when one of the check-in options is "Chimey's" and 20384208  people have checked-in with that. CHIMEY'S? YA DUMB? THAT SOUNDS LIKE A WIND CHIME STORE WHERE YOU CAN BUY HAMMOCKS AND GARDEN GNOMES. Seriously, check your spelling before you create a new check-in. And what's with people checking in at "My Warm Bed"? Well, you may be in your warm bed, but that creeper from down the street is loaded with Rohypnol and is looking through your bedroom window.

Pregnancy overload. You're pregnant? That's dope. However, I don't really care if you're at week 29 and your fetus is the size of a car battery or what the hell ever. Also, don't post a picture of your bare stomach. It makes everyone kinda uncomfortable. Right? Am I right? Keep the shirt down, this isn't Mardi Gras, ladies.

Shared recipes. This is something that has just recently started happening in my news feed. Gets on my nerves, especially when someone shares like five recipes in a row. Hey, that Cheesy Tater Tot Casserole you want to make looks like vom.

Nut job religious/political views. Keep 'em to yourself. Please and thanks.

Selfies/"ugly" pictures. Can you say "fishing for compliments"? I can. Same goes for the ones who post pictures with captions like "I look so ugly, blah blah." You'll get nothing but a very dramatic eye roll from me. I need to see more of these in my news feed:

Maybe I'll lose some Facebook friends after they read this post? Hope so. LOLZ.


  1. You are both hilarious and true -- as always!

  2. You are both hilarious and true -- as always!

  3. 100% with you on the check-ins at Chimy's. Every time I see that damned "Chimeys" option I want to scream out obscenities in a totally incoherent manner. I am very devoted to the assumption that a not-yet-of-age Chimy's patron created the "Chimeys" option because, well, come on.

  4. you're friends with a lot of moms on facebook