Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Girls Who Look Perfect All Day.

We need to talk about something that I've struggled to comprehend my entire young adult life. Something so elusive and so magical, it's actually more bewildering than if I found a unicorn with a SkyDancer pole-dancing on its horn standing in my apartment.

I'm talking about those girls who look beautiful from sun up to sun down:

Like this creepy stock photo lady. What is she doing?

I'm not referring to the typical good-looking girl that can put her face on every morning and look fabulous. We can all look fantastic with proper effort and maintenance. We all leave for work feeling pretty and put-together. 

No. I'm referring to those girls that look like they actually live on a cloud made of fresh linen and toothpaste in a house made from boxes of brand new crayons (and they ain't no RoseArt) held together with a purée of daisies and hand soap. And they will look like that ALL DAY. Every single one of us knows or works with at least one of these Tolkien elves.

Therefore, I have to ask. No, I really REALLY have to ask.


Truly, what is it precisely about you that, come the end of a work day, allows you to leave the office looking like you're about to enjoy brunch on a whitewashed wrap-around porch on a delightful spring morning, approx 75 degrees? 
Is it your skin? 
Were you born without pores? 
Why is your hair so clean-looking?
Does your body produce any grease? 
Did you redo your make-up in the bathroom during lunch?
No, wait, better question: Are you WEARING make-up at all?
How do you always look like the last part of a Stelara ad, minus the unsightly rashes?

Please, I'm begging you. Teach me your ways. I work full-time from 9:00 to 6:00. I probably get as much sleep as you do, I eat well, I bathe, I use moisturizer and Chapstick. Yet somehow, when I get home, I look like a middle-aged Puritan housewife named Honor or Mercy or Prudence who's been working in the turnip field all day with my two sons, Nathaniel and Jeremiah.

Again, please. You're defying the science of women and the rest of us desperately need answers. We don't understand how you do it. You're making that Clean & Clear commercial with those two teenage girls dancing around their strangely huge penthouse at 7:00 in the morning while jubilantly scrubbing their perfect faces look realistic.

If you or someone you know is a confirmed master of this witchcraft, please reach out to me and I will share your secrets with the world. The rest of us will be waiting for your aid. You can find us in our work, school, or home bathrooms any evening between 5:00-6:15, usually standing briefly in front of the mirror exclaiming, "Oh, gawd."

Help save lives.


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