Tuesday, July 16, 2013

All You Need to Know About Dallas By Someone Not From Dallas.

This week is the two month anniversary of my move from my old bedroom in Austin to my new adult life in Dallas and I have to say, it’s been pretty fantastic. As I reflect on my growing familiarity and acclimation to the Big D,  I feel I've reached a place where I can offer the most crucial pointers to those of you out there who may also be relocating to Dallas. I consider myself a different kind of Dallas expert in this regard mostly because I’m NOT a Dallas expert. In fact, before moving here, I foolishly believed that because I had so many friends from the Dallas area and I had been to the zoo when I was 8, I would have no problems. I was wrong. There were a lot of things I thought I understood about Dallas that I really, really, really, really didn't. So as a non-Dallas expert who has discovered all of this on her own (very recently), here’s my list of everything you need to know about Dallas from someone not from Dallas.

1. There is food EVERYWHERE. Dallas has more restaurants than she knows what to DO with. You can actually throw a rock in any direction from which you stand and the probability of hitting a building that will feed you is 169% (I just wanted to say 69. #adulthood).

2. If you believe in the Anti-Christ, he resides in Dallas under the false name LBJ Freeway and/or I-635. Do not go near him. He will suck the soul straight out of your chest until you look like Hercules diving into that water to save Meg. 

3. Yes, traffic will suck. But at least Dallas is built for it. (I’m looking at you, Austin.)

4. Dallas is a lie. You live in an area, often its own town, which-when put all together-makes up Dallas and the DFW metroplex. So you live in Dallas...except you don't. THIS IS VERY CONFUSING, DO NOT BE ALARMED.

5. Just because two of these areas border each other does NOT mean they are remotely close to each other.

6. In related news, if you think the DFW metroplex is big, it’s actually bigger.

7. Siri does not know how to get to Top Golf Allen. Do not trust her. (Side note: If you steal the golf bag fishbowl container from TopGolf, it makes an excellent holder for your spatulas and mixing spoons.)

8. Siri does not know where anything is. Do not trust her at all. And she has a huge crush on the Anti-Christ and will make you drive on him at ANY opportunity. Probably in hopes he’ll notice her.

9. If you feel like you’re driving through a sketchy neighborhood, stay calm. It’ll be the complete opposite the next street over. 

10. Fellow drivers will never, under any circumstances, let you over into the next lane in front of them. 

11. Dallas is the stylish younger sister to Houston, the tired, overworked mother with eight children in a loveless marriage. 

12. People drive Bentleys here

13. You can get valet parking for the nail salon. In your Bentley. 

14. Men wear True Religion jeans. Deliberately.

15. Think twice before you tell people you've never been to a Rangers game. They will need immediate bed rest and a saline drip.

For the record, I'll be going to my first ever Pro game of anything at Ranger Stadium later this month. My Dallas assimilation is almost complete. 

Happy Tuesday, kids. 
Peace, Love, Dallas, Dudz. 


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