Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Guest Post: All I Really Need To Know I Learned From Elle Woods

This heavenly angel princess as played by other heavenly angel princess, Reese Witherspoon, is everything you should want to be in life.

Orange is NOT the new pink. 
And lemme tell ya, as a brunette who looks awesome in orange, this hurt. But then Elle grabbed herself a sweet, orange iMac and I knew she was probably just referring to that particular angora sweater. Pink and orange can live together equally as colors of confidence and happiness and the best Starburst flavors. Fortunately, Orange IS The New Black.

Gay men know designers, straight men don’t. The value of this piece of information in unquantifiable; something I’m very glad I learned just as I was hitting puberty. Young ladies, learn this now and save yourself from some mild heartbreak and make some excellent friends. 


Body Image.
She’s a Size 4. And USED to be a Size 6 before Brooke whipped in her into shape. GOD BLESS NORMAL BODY MASS INDEXES.

What an endorphin is.
 Nothing to do with dolphins, apparently.

Exercise gives you endorphins.
 So does wine though.

Happy people don’t shoot their husbands (they just don’t). 
Welp, considering how I feel since finishing LOST, it’s probably a good thing I’m not married.

Chuck is probably not just a friend. 
Somewhere, sweet Charles who just bought a condo in the Friend Zone, feels a glimmer of a hope.

Legal jargon.
For real though, if I were subjected to mundane small talk at a Christmas party and someone mentioned mens rea in a conversation, thanks to Woods Comma Elle, I’d be able to hang on for just a liiiiittle bit longer before of downing another egg nog, loading another plate of stuffed mushrooms, and heading off to pet the dog for the next hour until someone wants to talk about American Horror Story.  
The Bend and Snap. Let’s be honest, the Bend and Snap is pretty ridiculous. Had this been introduced into the cultural zeitgeist ten years later, the ole B&S would have been faddest of the viral fads. It’s meme-heaven. Buzzfeed would have entire posts dedicated to GIFs of people Bending and Snapping behind unknowing strangers.  This would of course be followed by popular Reddit post “Bend and Snap FAILS.” Twerking is like the trashier second cousin of the Bend and Snap but not nearly as functional. Not only are you doing an Elle Woods trademark mating call, you’re also retrieving something off the floor. Like, what if you legitimately drop a pen and are in a hurry? Two birds, one snap.

Kill ‘em with kindness.
The most important lesson in the “Elle Woods Guide to Being a Good Person.” This woman is treated like absolute crap, for no reason besides the fact she’s genetically blessed all the way from the pigment of her hair down to her perfectly manicured toes. And apparently being from California is a crime. Also, GOD FORBID she doesn’t have Aristotle quotes memorized. But you know what, she never ever stoops to their level of petty meanness. (Unless they’re being constipated frigid bitches) Nothing throws off a mean-spirited person like an unironic compliment.

You do not need a man to validate your existence. One of the greatest lines in Legally Blonde is when she looks into Warner's gross puppy eyes, keeping down her bile as he calls her Pooh Bear and announces, "If I'm going to be a partner in a law firm by the time I'm 30, I'm going to need a boyfriend who's not such a complete bonehead." And we all raised our hands in praise, watching as she shook him off and walked into the light she was born to live in. Elle is not a man-hater and understands that being in love is not a weakness but she learns to value herself outside of what a man thinks she should be. Boyfriends and girlfriends can come and go, so find something you're passionate about, pursue it, and the right person will come along (not necessarily early 2000s Luke Wilson but one can dream.)

A significant other who doesn't respect your mind isn't worth being significant.

You do you and love them for being them.
Miz Woods is the poster child for living life without judgment and oh man, it’s beautiful thing to behold. I’ll bet you a fictional dollar that if you walked up to her on the street wearing pair of late-80s overalls, platform flip-flops, and one of those horrible “one size fits all” bunchy/stretchy shirts, she would smile, ask you how your day was, and then compliment you on how the blue of the denim brings out the color in your eyes. BECAUSE SHE’S JUST THAT WONDERFUL. She’d never make you feel embarrassed for being you because she feels zero shame in being her. Not once does Elle ever apologize for anything about her that is a source of ridicule because she knows that she has a good heart and good mind and she’s probably super nice to wait staff and that’s all that really matters at the end of the day.

(akjsajskajska don't look her in the eye or you'll be turn into a glittering diamond forged in the loins of the Goddess of Beauty and Perfection)

Delta Nu love,
Elizabeth (@elizlefebvre)

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