Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Valentine's Day: The Anti-Gift Guide

As we, once again, approach the holiday everyone loves to hate, I've decided to provide you guys with some helpful tips. But unlike last year's post, this year I'm going to tell you what not to buy your significant other for Valentine's day. Because let's face it– there are lots of ways to get it right but so many more ways to get it wrong. 

What not to get your boyfriend/fiancé/husband/male counterpart:

"yeah, my wife got me this.
yeah, she h8s me."
A gift that's, who are you kidding, 100% for you.
This includes but is not limited to, sappy decor about how you love him "to the moon and back," tickets to an event only you are interested in, and basically anything that says "I had no idea what to get you so I bought myself something and am now using you and this holiday as a cover."

I seriously found this throw pillow on a website in the section of "Gift Ideas for Him." NO. Your male significant other does not give two flying monkeys about personalized throw pillows. As a matter of fact, he probably would prefer there were no throw pillows in your house at all. Do not buy him a throw pillow. 

A hint.
My [husband] is always leaving his [keys] on the [coffee table] and it makes me want to [burn the house down]. I know! I'll get him a [monogrammed leather catch-all] so he always has a place for his [keys]!!!!!! No. That is not a gift. That is a new rule for him to follow. Don't get me wrong, I am pro-items that keep stuff in its proper place, and I support the purchase of such items, but not in the name of Valentine's Day or any other gift-giving holiday. 

Also in this category: gym memberships, self-help books, and any paraphernalia related to the type of person you secretly wish your man was.

Random & frivolous personalized personal items.
"good thing u & my side chick
have the same initials"
I'm not going to lie and act like I don't hit up the "for Him" section of Etsy from time to time. Should you find yourself there, ladies, it's important to implement a tight filter on acceptable items for purchase. Keychains that remind him of the date you got married? Dumb. Embarrassing. Let's say you buy him that: What happens the next time he takes his car in for service? I know for a 100% fact that your dude strips that thing off his keychain before turning over the keys. He could never valet park again without intense anxiety over the ridicule he's inevitably the subject of at the valet stand.

Also a big fat nope: personalized underwear. What are you trying to achieve here? What is the purpose? Are you worried he'll lose his underwear somehow? How? I cannot think of a single instance in which you should buy these for your significant other without first seriously considering seeing other people. 

What not to get your girlfriend/fiancée/wife/female counterpart:

"i'm gonna bake these flowers
into all ur food"
Day-of supermarket flowers.
Everyone knows all the good flowers are going into bouquets pre-ordered by some dude who was actually on top of his game. That means when you stop by the grocery store, or (heaven-forbid) Wal-mart, on Valentine's Day, all you're left with are the half-wilted, reject flowers in the stupid pink heart cellophane. And when you show up with those, guys, we know. We alllllways know. Think ahead. February 12. Put a reminder in your calendar and set that shit to "remind me every year on this day" and make it say "Hey Bud, how about you go ahead and order flowers right now because it's not that freakin' hard." And if she works in an office, send them there. People act like that's not a thing but it's totally a thing.

Clothing and/or jewelry not pre-approved by her or, at the very least, her best friend.
"no i don't; he's forcing me
to wear this; plz help"
Girls are picky. Take that information and carve it into your brain and let it guide your every gift-giving move for the rest of your life. We don't like "clothes," we like certain brands and certain colors and certain cuts in certain brands but not in others. And how are you to know that some biatch we hate wears those earrings and we wouldn't be caught dead in them? Answer: you don't.

Make it easier on yourself and ask one of our friends to figure out what we want, and if she's a good friend, she will return to you with solid leads on several items from which to choose. Do this. Do not go rogue. At the very least, if you insist on choosing something yourself, get it approved before you purchase. 

A gift that's, who are you kidding, 100% for you.
Let's get right down to it: If at any point you're thinking "lingerie" I would like to invite you to re-think that because, no. That is a terrible gift. Advertisers would like you to believe otherwise. Do not.

Good luck out there,

1 comment:

  1. And so...are you going to tell us what the V-Day guru is going to get her man?